The Problem with The "Pick-Me-Girl"

I’m sure you’ve heard it before. I’m sure you’ve seen the TikTok POVS. You’ve heard the groans, the eye rolls and the “ugh, she’s such a pick-me.”

For anyone unfamiliar- and here I will use the most basic definition- the “pick-me-girl” is a term that refers to a woman who puts down other women for male validation. She’s similar to the “not like other girls” girl. In fact, a pick-me girl might even say that exact phrase. The pick-me-girl represents internalized misogyny. In essence, a woman who hates other women. She’s so brainwashed by the patriarchy that she will put down anything “girly,” and make fun of girls (especially in front of other guys).

She’ll claim she doesn’t have many “female” friends because all they are is “drama,” she’ll claim she’s “just one of the guys,”, she’ll wear some makeup herself but shame girls for wearing “too much” or shame girls for caring and getting excited over stereotypical feminine things.

Again, the pick-me-girl’s main goal is to win male attention. She wants to be loved by men and if that means playing into the patriarchy to hate on other girls, she’ll do it.

The term “pick me” is the literal representation of her actions. She’s doing this to be picked by men. This term also has a connection to a famous scene from the television series Grey’s Anatomy, where the main character Meredith Grey says to her love interest “pick me, choose me, love me.” A lot of social media began to correlate these two ideas together, and this trope began to take off, most notably on TikTok.

Suddenly, the pick-me-girl was the most hated girl on the internet. It’s not surprising, and I understand why, for the most part. People began to resonate with calling out women who hate other women. As we grow into the collaboration between feminism studied and social media, these situations begin to occur. People were rightfully calling out internalized misogyny and patriarchy.

However, like most ideas that stem from the internet, they get oversaturated, people misunderstand them, and they often begin to lose their original purpose.

Now, basically anything can get you called a pick-me. Play video games? Pick-me. Have guy friends? Pick-me.

Genuinely enjoying more stereotypical activities or having certain personality traits doesn’t make you a pick-me-girl. A girl doesn’t have to be feminine in order to not put down other girls.

Although the pick-me-girl seems to have the starring role on TikTok and social media, there have been lots of representations of pick-me-girls in film and television, however just without the name. As mentioned earlier, they are similar to

The word has just become this generalized insult. A girl doesn’t like another girl, she’s a pick-me. You could even say it’s replaced the word “bitch” in terms of classic insults toward women. Pick-me is so thrown around that sometimes people have used it in contexts that don’t even make sense.

A pick-me-girl was supposed to open up conversations of internalized misogyny. In this decade, the internet has become more aware of social justice issues and feminist theory. However, hating on a pick-me-girl has turned misogynist! It’s just another way to hate women, which clearly the internet loves to do.

Even some men are joining in on the “fun,” and using something that was mainly made for other women to critique, to do further damage. It feels like a weird slap in the face because men are the ones perpetuating this. It reminds me of men who make fun of or insult women for having “daddy issues.” This is the patriarchy’s fault!

I won’t lie and say yes, I think it’s important to hold pick-me-girls accountable, and I’ve seen a few of those POVS and laughed at the accuracy.

But, there’s a level of sympathy I have for the pick-me-girl. Society has trained her to be like this. She might genuinely feel like she has no other choice but to put down women in order to be loved. And as young women, we grow up to believe that getting a man and having their approval is our one goal in life. Yes, we shouldn’t be promoting this, but understanding this situation with nuance is important.

Now, we can see how much of this trope has begun to become unfair and even a bit unrealistic. It’s true that a lot of women do exhibit these tendencies, but it’s extremely unfair and unrealistic to throw this concept around without the full understanding, and for men to make fun of women for this.

The pick-me-girl has problems, yes, but there’s also a problem with how she is perceived.